I bemoan the wounds of fortune

theecolourred @ 2008-08-13T14:22:00

2008-08-13T19:24:51Z

refusing great urge to wall myself up

theecolourred @ 2008-08-08T01:25:00

2008-08-08T06:30:26Z

I swear sometimes I stare into the future through a transparency of days and months and years I feel old like I've already lived the next 50 years and I'm marching towards imminent death and my skin is sloughing off the red underneath. And all at once I must have everything in one moment if i am ever to be stilled. eaten up by every passing moment more is going, a limb here a limb there, gnashing teeth. And change feels good, its just this dead skin wearing me down. its just this itch. Good lord am I scratching.

I guess I'm mostly in good spirits though. The place is mine, things in place. Well on their way even. And I worked hard and even surprised myself. And I'm definately ready and excited. Mostly just the decline of summer that makes me restless. And a deeply unsatisfied need to immerse myself in nature.

what are your plans?

2008-07-21T05:25:01Z

as if it is just as easy as deciding. I have decided, and re-evaluated and adjusted time and time again when it ends up impossible. but the thing is it is just that easy for many people I meet. And so they do not have the capacity to understand how impossible it is for some people. And if I'm not 'doing anything' it must be lack of motivation or desire. I'm just happy i was not forced into becoming a whore, is thaT A SATISFCATORY ANSWER?because thats reality. you want more than substane than you canget from a convo with your parents and you like the sin you feel in the filth of city but these are peoples lives. I've already exceeded all expections for my place in this world by not having to seel my body. whethere as a 'wife' or a prostitute, hell its the same god damn job except the prostitute got the easier way-and it pays. So am I honest and then completely alienate myself in one foul swoop or lie and feel like i do my past injustice? But I'm not ashamed so why lie?

theecolourred @ 2008-07-12T21:07:00

2008-07-13T02:07:28Z

skinning my knees feels so good

love letters to my animus

2008-05-31T20:49:13Z

no one knows, no one knows. you think its you I'm looking for, you think its me you're looking for. I'm the whole pie, quit stealing slices. Something must be calling forth for every time I leave my cage the strangers say oh so many things, they sing to me sometimes. But never scold, young and old I must be telling them with my eyes. Yes, sometimes inebriated but its in that haze they are beside themselves and speak without effort. And everyone has something new to tell. What is it that compels? The same I see in fleeting glimpses? But I thought I'd never, I thought it just a one time deal. And here I am noticing a plot behind the wheel. Coincidence or madness, you're a passanger and probably not a thought enters behind those stern eyes... but I noticed if you haven't. Who knows? Foreshadows.

culminating the seed i've sewn

2008-05-30T18:38:34Z

I closed my eyes and buried a handful of stars. A wish on every one. At night I feel and see the glow through mother's earth up and out and reaching for their siblings in the sky. No one knows the precious secrets, written away to bury before I am buried. And although it'd feel nice to share, I'll wait until I meet someone who knows. You can't force a thing as this, it does no good to explain if you haven't seen it there is no description.

I ate the fruit I painted in my mind and my belly felt satisfied somehow. What else then can I experience this way? whispers in the wind, they travel and come back to me with my requests... because I've given up on fighting the tide. I only seek to enjoy the ride and recognize my part in perpetuating it. I c an steer you know, but thats all and only places it is possible to go. I shirk these meaningless titles, especially my name and though I think its beautiful it doesn't mean a thing except 'nativity'. And it didn't choose me. I see how I've been lillith'd in this sinking ship and just a strong push more... until the freedom in my heart and mind manifests into this plane. I am patient, knowing I need this time to prepare and to gather my resources and to think very carefully. My heart is my own again, let it breathe. I extend myself to strangers every other night. I'll never see them again and i don't hold on. If we could just understand and accept the changes and enjoy what time we're given we'd be so much beter off. But all I can do is be an example to inspire, I am not your guide. And whatever happens, know I see you in strangers eyes. I stop and stare, mesmorized trying to understand what this is or at least get a feel for it and explore to the greatest heights and depths... to feel all of you reflected in all of your facets. They don't even know, isn't that peculiar?

I'm excited to see where my path leads and I hope you're enjoying yours too. When we get there, lets revel in all that it is but keep things unadulterated. More than I seek to gain, I desire just to be able to give- freely.

rape and other banes of the female

2008-05-30T18:16:24Z

Over the past 6 months, scratch that -3 years (just swiftly the past 6 mos.) I've really been changing in perspective and its caused me to re-evaluate a lot of my recent past experiences. All of the crap I've taken, all of the choices I made and understanding how it has all led to where I am now. How different and how the same I am.

The lucky of us have a good mother to inform us how we should be treated and what should put up with or how we should handle rejecting people and unwanted attention/harassment. And still, they are only lucky if they heed the warnings and actually listen. We still have to find out for ourselvesd though and theres no other way but trial and error.

Most of us didn't have that though. No one informs us how to be treated. What do they tell us? Girls should be nice, sweet, accomadating. Cooking and cleaning and nurturing caretakers with endless patience and always put others first- lest we be a bitch and whore ( funny how I am always referred as the latter from guys who have the sudden realization that they aren't gonna get any). I'm even prone to the 'evil sorceress' label. But all beautiful women are in danger of becoming a witch, just as soon as that man turns the angel he was so enthralled by into a spellcasting seductress in his mind after being 'rejected'. We aren't given much information on prevention or self defense either. Even after telling my dad how on my walk home from school some random non english speaking guy tried to force me too kiss him and kept following me home , all he gave me was a noisemaker. YES. Because I will just blow that horn and he will flee. No one would even know that was a rape call, and if they did very few would run in that direction to help.

Anyway, sometimes I almost feel guilty to feel sore about my experiences with sexual harassment and such because honestly I haven't met a girl or woman yet who hasn't had that type of experience. Many from family members, some they are still forced to see. Many don't even see it as rape, they blame themselves for being flirty or 'letting it happen'. Honey, if you weren't in a position to run, you act accordingly to the situation. We know we will not be able to conquer a man with our strength. What can I do against a 200+ 6'3 tall dude? Submit, and thats all. Leave my body and float at the top of the room, detatched....so detatched(or seize an opportunity and kick him off of me long enough to jet my ass out of there , its happened). How are we the guilty ones? We are made out to be such temptresses, such teases.

I think its fucking sad that I've never met a woman who hasn't been raped, molested and/or stalked and harassed by unwanted suitors. A lot of it isn't done by 'ghetto black dudes' n an alley. It's done by the very men who are meant to protect us-police, fathers, cousins, jilted lovers, and current boyfriends. Those we should surely feel safe from. Rarely have I heard it done by a complete and random stranger.

But I have to say I am continually amazed with feminine strength. We have all benn through so much, we walk around and live with these haunting memories these open wounds, this silent scream within. We feel too guilty to tell, and their aren't good resources- and we are discouraged at every turn to go against a man and seek revenge or justice. Yet life goes on, and we work through the pain, heal and move on. Some of us even raise the children we are impregnated with through being raped. But somehow we carry on, we learn to trust again we open our hearts again and we trust (only after you earn ours). Never give your trust away, make them work for it- take the time to judge a man's character from a safe distance and do not tolerate disrespect of any kind- call him out on it, right away or excuse youself and cut the contact if it is something that crsses a boundary. Thats is how you get respect, you demand it. Just by your presence, you simply will not tolerate or spend time with anyone who isn't treating you fairly or giving you the respect you deserve as a human being.

I feel lucky that I live in this modern world, where I do not need a man. I am not breeding cattle without my own name- first the property of my father and then of the husband (I'd change my last name because of this very thing, but honestly I like the way it sounds-I think maybe I'll just add my grandmother's as well). We have choices, granted they are limited to the social constuct of our culture and the inequality of our male dominated world- but at least we have the option to be financially independent, to own property not be property, and to choose how we will live and how we will be treated. That is power. I can walk out that door whenever I decide I am not taking anymore of what is dished out and I can make it on my own. There is no better feeling than knowing you are independent and no matter the circumstances- if you have to live in a dinky place or drive a shitty car... it is yours, all yours and no one can do a god damn thing about it.

I'm so happy that I finally found a decent job with a living wage and though the last 6 months I have been making it on my own and paying my due parts- now I really get the satisfaction of being a self made woman. True independence, truly on my own and no one can take away the inner peace and stability that affords me because I worked for it. I worked fucking hard too, with plenty of obstacles and plenty of bullshit to overcome and plenty of restless dark nights of the soul. I get shit for being too 'sure of myself'. Well I am no shrinking violet and yeah I'll acknowledge the wisdom I've gained...that was all me baby. Sure of myself? you fucking bet. I've been to hell and back SEVERAL times and I own that. I don't try to deny it or block out the thoughts, they don't affect me anymore I don't give them that power. The past is done and it has made me who I am today for better or for worse and I've put a lot of time and thought and effort into progressing and blooming into the person I am today- the woman I am today... and thats fucking beautiful. And it is all mine. I'm just so impressed with the other females in my life right now as well. We've taken so much shit- we take it everyday at work, from strangers, from co-workers from rude and obnoxious males and still we survive. We create beautiful things, we create beautiful people, we keep our heads high and make it somehow and we're not afraid to cry or to walk out when necessary. No one can strip you of your dignity unless you let them. And its always just a few choices away to get it back. WOMB POWER.

theecolourred @ 2008-05-28T01:56:00

2008-05-28T07:23:10Z

I feel like I'm living with ghoSts of my past. I'm drunk with ghosts on the past I'm seething and this place is of no comfort and the past has left me livid for the secrets and the unknown and the secretians of my very own future. And I see how this LL PASSES ME IN THE SLOSHING OF MY BELLY CAN i HAVE A CHANCE AT meeting eyes through aisles or the island that I've kept my heart at bay. For now lay low, lay low. Silence. Cuz there is nothing going on much anyway but things you won't understand. Be still. Be here. Living day by day. And these people aren't my friends anymore but I'm living in the past the past is the presence and this same door I'm walking through because there is only sphere. close your eyes and dream the future bec ause you are the architect. Finding your way through these leaves blocking your vision. what I wouldn't give for more strnagers. spill it all, no reserves. what for? one life to live. And I'm tripping through the days, this haze these aquaintances I'll never see again. And some of them I reach out in the dark for, just for some thing more. anything more.and our eyes meet by the pretzels and I don't take it for more but a ghost in a vast expanse and a random occurance and part of all this journey and signposts on the path. and you're jarring me towards the way towards the plants and the sky and I'm milking this for however long it lasts. Let me feel revelation- months to pass. Pas me by. Sail on through this, in a few months I'll be lAUGHING, WONDERING HOW i WAS SO BLIND.aND i've laid the groundwork and I'm waiting for it to bloom. And I'm blooming and you keep me in your hands and all that does is make me fly away. far far away and already gone. I have choices, its my choices. And I chos to drink this pomegranite garbage with lemon infused vodka for like YEARS. bleached white. open me up. ey? And 3 more months and i'm scott fucking free. AMBER. who ar ethese people? I know where I'm headed, ehre are you going? for now. for now. Just tell me you've been dreaming, these dreams and maybe scheming- a background thought in daily life you treasure. And maybe lets see where we feel what we do and what I can give to you and what this rock allowws to flourish in the cloudy days of ours. fantasies I'm leaving in the dust... behind me. NO trespassing. open arms though. give me lazy slurs of clouded thoughts and murky hearts and bad timing. giveme unlimited options, but then all I like issssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss the space between.

theecolourred @ 2008-05-28T01:56:00

2008-05-28T07:22:23Z

theecolourred @ 2008-05-27T14:58:00

2008-05-27T19:59:01Z

the happiest thing I can be is a stranger

status of life

2008-05-14T05:13:05Z

dreams about water slide back-ups. Little girls trying to climb their way back up and Indian women gathered in wait for a rescue. A designated woman sent to help, to calm. But wait why didn't he get stuck? he went before I. But it seems we're all perched up here to avoid the crowding at the bottom. Are they sending helicopters? Idk. I just stop and wait with them, because it seemed like the thing to do. Why all Indian women though? no idea. Not to mention other rides, and being given a role as a spook to haunt you from above on an elaborate contraption.

Warlocks are south side white men with sunken cheeks and weathered skin wearing black leather vests. They do not enjoy the A.M., or people who heard about magick yesterday and do not invite questions. For the first time I went to a thrift store and found absolutely nothing to want, however I can't wait to hear the wizard of oz soundtrack. In some places it is still the past, but not for long probably.

suspended in this quiet, lonely nest . And I fill my head with designs for a future to far to bank on but to close to dismiss. One day off in forever and you're taxi driver for homeless burn-outs and I am 1 too much to fit. I love dead things always. Was my mother an alien? star children like the night. and in this open darkness, this vast expanse I try to sneak a glimpse at what is on my horizon. If I deal with it all now it turns out so unaffecting later. 80/20 lived in my head/lived in reality. silence is more tiresome than storms and quakes and cyclones. Maybe not, I'm just bored and boring and a bore. And its my choice but to cope is another thing that takes time to rebuild a new life out of scrap and remnants and whatever is left in this city that I have spit upon or kicked out. Are you ready? please make things materialize in seconds cuz I can't sustain in anticipation and the mind goes a wandering and I lose sight of what I want or time takes its toll and I do not want it anymore.

But at least I still have the gift of explaining every detail so that you understand, but I'd rather say nothing and you understand me naturally but too much to ask for is just too much to ask for, and a fool's game.

visiting old places and i don't understand how they're ever different or why the beautiful things that happened there are gone. Should have appreciated them while i had the chance, but oh I sure did that is why I'm still bent. But this is a different car, and where are those weathered hands and viscous lips when you need them? thats why I never let myself build the foundations of desire in the first place, thats why I was surprised. But I made my choices, you make your choices. And I probably always fall for lies, but lies aren't lies before you knew you never meant them... meet you there.

theecolourred @ 2008-05-03T03:23:00

2008-05-03T08:24:42Z

p.s. i bought a new purse? *snorts*

theecolourred @ 2008-04-28T12:09:00

2008-04-28T17:10:40Z

who the fuck decided it was a great idea to bang on my door at 3-4 in the morning. As if it is even in question. Random drunks don't find their way through the back passing up other doors to specifically harass mine. thanks alot, asshole.

vampires

2008-04-16T19:47:33Z

God. Do I seriously have to lock all my shit now because people can't control themselves and stop spying on me and spreading shit and getting involved with petty slander? If I don't want you n my life, I make it clear. So after that, get the fuck out of my rowboat. You have no business in my affairs, I've cut my ties with several people recently and I expect you to fuck off and worry about your own shit. If I intended you to be part of my life I would be pursuing and sustaining our friendship. I'm not doing that am I? So kiss my ass. My life isn't a tabloid.

theecolourred @ 2008-03-09T14:51:00

2008-03-09T19:58:15Z

I'm still floating around in endless murk, towards the filtered light.
watching this cage breakdown around me.

I'm not confused, I'm just only gettng one side. Everyone else seems pretty confused. I've got my popcorn-and 2 swords.

However things may be looking up. Might get a bartending gig at club Brady. Just seems like a laid back college crowd beer drinking fest. With plastic cups even. I can deal with that just fine, I think. And its like 2 blocks away. Which is AWESOME and my number one requirement for a job right now, seeing as thats about as far I can go in this weather before my toes start going numb. Plus, when I applied they were playing soundgarden! And maybe I'll have drunk guys giving me nice tips... that'd be a nice change from them just being assholes.

theecolourred @ 2008-02-16T13:12:00

2008-02-16T19:30:13Z

Found out I am actually a Sagittarius ascendant, not Scorpio. Which makes a lot more sense when I'm honest with myself. But now I feel as if I am doomed to a life of restlessness and pursuit of independence, just by nature. But I also recognize I've grown an affinity for my own spirit and enjoy being this way. Although my complete fear of commitment will probably hinder me... and maybe I'll never feel at ease(in the grander sense). But I will travel and enjoy a lot of changes in scenery and people. And engage fully in every experience(which has led to my recent sickness :/), and experience things deeper and more involved than most others. And it seems I'll remain on the hunt. I have always been wild. I only wish to spend my life in nature, devoid of material desires. Things are always changing there, and lending you their strength and comfort to enjoy the ride. I'm not restless there. I am not a sick child. This is why I walk late at night alone. I cannot be posessed.

fitting

2008-02-12T03:30:00Z

It seems important that I re-visit what was born in the fall...

With all the the towers falling down around me, I try to contain my shadows as they stretch the very limits of my bones and muscle tissue.

I think back to how it all started and realize I was just as lost then. Blindly making my choices. Soaring on a gut feeling, and doubting it all the while. I found guilt in the doubt too, and maybe that aids in its elimination.

Here I am fully immersed in the consequences of those choices and truly it could not have gone any other way. Fear teases me. A foe I thought conquered, fear is pretty relentless though. Gone in mind, my body has taken on conduit mode and what I've picked up on isn't pretty.

Vulnerability invite predators. Honesty adds a strange strength though. Honesty wasn't really an option... calculated risks.

Anyways I've taken on the energy of the situation full force with my body, and psychologically I'd say I need to get ahold of my emotions. I need to stop feeling them physically, I need to close off my solar plexus.

I'm going to go see a reiki healer actually.

Moe tried just a simple energy work exercise and his fingers smelled of sulfur afterwards.

Everything is leading this change I've heard so much of. I'm heading the call, and embracing because I think by now I've learned the necessity of staying on course.

theecolourred @ 2007-11-14T18:24:00

2007-11-15T00:24:35Z

ugh, I think maybe those thai bastards have poisoned me.

sour

2007-11-14T02:01:28Z

After an all night/morning drug binge on Sunday... you know a nice little cocktail of ritalin, weed, and caffiene, I've been feeling quite ill. It's strange too, except for a brief 5-10 minute freakout after realizing i had just downed 3 cups of coffee like water and was already on a stimulant(I had to get some air as I found it hard to stay still or inside George Webbs) I felt really good the whole timer. Even despite feeeling sick from not eating beforehand. I felt fine in the morning too, I could have stayed up if there was more to do.

The conversation was really stimulating. It was just me on Tom basically talking, and on fucking ritalin-the likes of which have made me prone to imposing and pointless discussions with strangers or blabbering on and on to someone I would never normally call, just because I know they'll listen. I tell myself I want to stop talking and I should stop talking. But it doesn't make its way to the front of my brain. That area is too occcupied with the fantastic sensation of actually being able to focus my mind and verbalize things I was having trouble with previously.

Everyone around me seeems to feel off. Seems to feel kind of lost. In sort of a different way than usual. I guess its more existential crisis crap. How do you go on living in this society when you know the impermanance of everything. The chaos, the meaninglessness. For a while I felt way too involved in things beyond my humanity, beyond what power I am normally a conduit for and I think I shyed away. I wanted to just not think about such things, ignore them again because I didn't know what to do with what I had discovered. I guess I still don't.

But I have been trying to get back into that 'groove'. I really need to get back in tune with nature (well in the morning we went to see the sunrise on our binge, and walked for 3-4 hours in the woods down by the river)get back on track with the spiritual 'quest' I was on as far as immersing myself with the tarot.

At least it let me get my thoughts straightened out. I was feeling confused and I didn't know what I was confused about(extra confusing and frustrating). Itrs hard to explain the emotions I was feeeling, I couldn't seem to place the sensation. But in simple terms. I reached a peak at some point in spring or something, and I was expecting more afterwards... only to be diappointed and confused as to what this downtime meant and what to do, how to live how to approach things with the ideas I was having, what I was learning about the world around me.

I need to understand things better and the language of symbols in the tarot has beeen speaking to me. And I shouldn't be ignoring it anymore. It's easy to stay dedicated to these things when your living situation is bleak and your'e in solitude and have nothing else to keeep you going. But through circumstance I wandered off and forgot about things for a bit.

Anyway, I felt fine waking up after going to sleep at 10 A.M. or so on Monday morning. It was surprising because I even had energy. Anthony was reallly dragging. I thought maybe we needed some nourishment so we went to Thai Kitchen and got a hot pot. But as we were finishing up my stomach tarted to disagree with the eating idea and I had to go outside and try to psyche myself out of it. I was really close to puking in the garbage cans in the park, but I held it in.

And as I got more and more immersed in nature a further away from the energy of people and cars and all the filth on the streets and sidewalks... I felt better. It was almost miraculous. I hit the midddle of the field and the nausea was gone. I trusted this too soon though, and walked to his car to find him and felt sick again, more and more sick the further I walked from the grass and trees. There was no way I could attempt a car ride in that condition so I had to go back into the field and lay there for a while.
Which worked.

I felt fine all night. Although I could not sleep. I had an orthodontist appointment in the morning, and around 5-6 I started to feel sick again. Probably from not eating (although my stomach wasn't up for food yet so that makes things hard)my head hurt too. Some how I managed to dose off in that state for and hour and half(which was a terrible idea).

I had strange nightmarish dreams. Dreams within dreams, waking up into yet even more dreams. Each world just slightly more reality feeling then the next. I knew they were fake and I was trying to find a way out. I felt like I was physicallyu screaming and moaning in my sleep, but I couldn't tell you if it was actually happening. The memories of the contents are vague, and even mroeso because for most of the dream I was disorientated and felt teriibly fucked up on some insane drug. Most of the time I was trying to open my eyes and find reality to wake myself. I could feel myself waking and open myeyes but my body was just too tired and wouldn't agree with me.
It was strnage too because for the last part of my dream I had really convinced myself I was awake already. Finally my alarm saved me.
Oh and the only thing substantial I can get from the warped memories of the dreamworld is there was some government shit going down. And I was part of some group who knew about (or I had just me them) These people were basically telling us that something very big and very fucked was about to happen soon and that things were changing immensly. Basically that their day of reckoning was nearing, or some terrible action from them would happen soon and it would be the last straw and warrant retalliation. It felt a lot like I was drowning in sleep, I was havign a hard time breathing... I felt immersed in dreamwolrd ooze or something and it was filling my lungs and choking me. This seems the best way to describe it. I also woke onc eor twice I think but had sleep paralysis that persisted until I gave up and drifted off into unconsciousness again.

Although, this may be because Garrett and Anthony were watching zeitgeist again when I came down after unsuccessfully sleeping. Still creepy. Anyway I woke up very sick, and very out of it. My transition into reality was taking a long time. My body felt like shit and I was nauseous again.
AND I have to go to the fucking orthodontist. I had no idea how I was going to make it there, or lay in a chair and have them tighten mybraces and not end up puking all over. I wish I could have cancelled.

I barely mad eit through. I think having my feet elevated as I was laying in the chair helped. I momentarily felt better. But it was pretty short because the pain from the tightening kicked in and I was right back to being sick. The car ride home was terrible. I wanted to get a milkshake since I was told I wouldn't be able to chew for a few days(they finally got the roguue front tooth tied in and also shortened the rubberband thingies on the gaps where my teeth were pulled)but I knew I couldn't make it, I just wanted to get home as quickly as posssible. My dad as driving like 20 miles per hour after I mad ehim get offf the freeway cuz it was making me ill(er). And we managed to get all the red liughts on brady street. Holy shit was that fucking cruel.

SO I finally get home, go to the bathroom (allthough theres no food in my stomach so theres no point in tyring to get the sickening feeling out). I remember when I was feeling sick a while ago my grandparents borught me some antacid. So naturally I decided to take some. I don't know if it was a mistake or not. It seemed to feel better as I felt it coating my stomach and esophagus. I drank some water and sat down on the couch. The cats could tell I was feeling ill and came over to try and comfort me. But about 5 seconds after rogue got on my lap I just started puking. And there wasn't much in there so it was 95% bile. Just this disgusting clear liquid, with a yellow tint like that cheap disgusting imitation lemonade they make with the powder.
That and a milky substance which was probably he mylanta. Luckily, I had brought an empty bucket wiht me in case I vomitted. I just sat up hunched over the bucket sitting in my lap and emptied all the stomach juices out. There was like a mushroom slice in there, and thats pretty much it as far as food goes. I kind of think maybe I should have let myself puke in the park. It's just so uncomfortable to be sick in a public area.

I dozed off for a few hours till Moe got home and the noise woke me up. It kind of sucked because i felt incredibly hot upon waking. I thought I had a fever at first. Thyen I went upstairs to sleep. I kind of wished I could have the bed to myself but whatever. Why not be even more uncomfortable its just icing on the cake. More weird dreams, but ones i can wake from. I was on some trip in mexico and then puerto rico and then back to Mexico. And there was some group of friends or something, and I had misssed all the fun and felt jealous, etc.

So I've basically been sleeping all day. Just got up. I still feel sick, but I don't feel nauseous so its easier to deal with. Oddly enough my teeth don't really hurt much. When the pain started I just kind of told myself to ignore it that it wasn't very bad and seems to have worked. Maybe the dull pain in my stomach, shoulders(cuz I collect my stress there) and head is just distracting me from it. Whatever.

I still haven't eaten, I'm trying to eat some oatmeal.. but I feel starved to sickness so its hard to down food. Maybe I'll feel better after a shower.

theecolourred @ 2007-11-11T00:13:00

2007-11-11T06:25:37Z

Its actually kinda good I didn't get the anomaly job, cuz I can't really look for a job now. This next show, I work lik every day til close. I guess I'll be fine on money then, eh? hopefully good tips too. Tonight was pretty good, made about 50 and thats after giving donia a 20 for her help. Everyone wa snice cuz its an MPS event and I got a compliment from some old dude on a manhattan I made him, and he insisted I be the one to make his second. So, idk its petty but it does make me feel good to be decent at what I do.

I'm thinkign about going to school for film next year. I guess it just seems unlikely I'll be able to move for a couple of years and Idk... if I can start at MATC and do it for close to nothing out of my pocket( or even some extra..come on I'm a minority and I have a vagina) then it seems smart to do so. Maybe just an associates in video production or something. Part of the appeal is to broaden my horizons socially I guess... and I just want to at least learn the basics so I can do what I want artistically in that medium. Right now I know little technically, but I think I have a lot of vision. And I've always wanted to take my art to film. That way it involves more sense. Just visual bores me. I want it to move, and evoke more direct emotion.

Anyway... I'm worried about it being too hard to work and go to school, and scheduling, etc. But maybe it won't be so bad and I need to feel like I'm doing something. I definately don't regret not being in school right now though.

something to think about more in depth I guess. We'll see. Maybe I'll be making money as a camera man for like the NFL or something gay like that. Its a job.

unauthorized visitors in my uterus

2007-11-06T19:58:56Z

I have basically no work this week. My Ortho appointment was canceled as well. It feels awesome to have all this free time and to also have rent for next month already. So I have absolutely nothing to worry about and can do whatever I want with my life.

I have no plans really, when do I ever though? Life shouldn't be planned.

I am like 95% done with the painting that I thought would never be finished and I'd end up thowing away or burning.It seems my hunch about my living situation stifling my creative energy(and all other energy) was absolutely correct. You move me out of there and a month later I've got multiple fucking projects done, have lost at least 10 pounds(from eating more frequently, better quality stuff), and have absolutely no problems with insomnia or depression.

It is also just a great way to spend time. I'm not plugged into the internet anymore(I get headaches if I'm on for more than a half hour), I don't watch T.V. at all. I cook, or I play with my cats, or I smoke a bowl and go down by the river, or I paint, or I do other art projects...and thats how I spend my freetime and I love it.

The only thing it leaves to be desired I guess is quality people to spend time with(as always). But, idk...the people over here usually are cool. And otherwise they are hard to find. For some reason it has always been harder to find cool girls to be friends with. They're always such petty little vanity riddden cunts. Or really fucking stupid.

My toes are cold.

I had a dream someone told me I was pregnant with a boy the day before my period usually starts. Then I didn't get my period. So I was trying to pretend not to be freaked out and just didn't say anything all day but was in a foul mood none the less as a subtle(haha)reaction. But then I got my period the next day. That was fun. I guess I don't have to pay 400 or however much it is for an abortion.

I'm really not sure how much it costs as I've never needed one. Perhaps, I should ask Jayme?

this eve'nin

2007-11-01T01:25:21Z

I've felt a change in tides the night of the party actually. I woke up feeling pretty good despite the alcohol swishing in my stomach. The party was kind of small and maybe lame by other standards, btu I thought it was pretty funny and eventful. I got nicely tipsy/drunk to the point of changing my clothes and putting on a mustache. The whole jessica being bizarre thing was kind of entertaining, and I'm sure I'll remember those parts. Even the slutty teenage girls just added to the novelty. And they left later anyway (after drinking lots of booze). I think I remember seeing Kevan come out fo our basement door and being confused, but that may have been a dream. Well anyway, the house feels different now. Ceremonial party rituals really do break it in. I feel more comfortable here, it has been a month and now instead of being kind of restless and not knowing what to do with myself, I feel a bit more settled.

I had an interview at Anomaly, some little giftshop/graphic design/floral arrangment plac eon Brady today. It went well, I was in a good mood and really talkative. I had a cute outfit on(its always a good sign when I am putting thought into how I dress cuz it means I'm in a good place and am taking care of myself). And afterwards me and anthony walked down by the river and smoked a bowl and enjoyed nature. It was so beautiful out. Perfect fall weather where the sun beats down and gives warmth while a cool breeze comes from behind you. I love long jackets and scarves, and walking with my hands in my pocket and locking arms with my partner. All the color outside looked eerily vibrant. Plus it was fun to hide in the trees and watch peopleon the trail... or sit and talk and pet all the dogs who walk by. And i was dressed as a tiger, so anyone else wearing a costume felt the need to say somethign to me. Silly people, we're always wearing human costumes, thats enough relation already. oh well.

That'd job be super sweet, just 11-7 on saturday and 12-5 on sunday, and then maybe mondays eventually as well. Super easy, I'd be workign alone, I have an excuse to dress stylishly and it is right down the block. PEEEEERFECT. Plus it seems kind of eery, the place is painted the same colors as the cool retro pillowcase I found and the colors I made mty last livejournal, and they have ceramic cats and owls and black and white brocade wallpaper. Idk, it jsut seems eerily similar to my tastes and I guess I feel like its parts of these signposts I've been seeing for over a year. Being on my path feels good though. I feel alot more confident about jobs now that I've decided not to put up with any crap or water myself down for people. The quitting those two jobs gave me a lot of confidence, hopefully it paid offf. But if I don't get the job oh well.
I feel bad about my schedule at skylight anyway, cuz she has me scheduled every sat and sunday, but idk, we seriously need another bartender and I had to get another job. It is hard to find one that fits in those times I don't work there. Plus I'd be willing to come in on saturday nights after 7 if anyone wanted to leave early (esp donia since she has to be there all the time).
Tomorrow, i think we're going to apply for energy assistance and food stamps. And maybe go grocery shopping (need to badly).

Oh and Moe says he doesnt mind anymor eif sam were to move in, partly because he has beeen around her more partly becaus ehe sees the trouble me and anthoyn had with job stability recently. So that'd be cool. I guess he just said he wants to get the recording for the band done first, and then it'd be fine, and he'll move his drums in his room. And as far as I know sam had not aquirred a second job yet so we have some tiem anyway. But if she still wants to move in in a couple months, sweet. It'd be enice to have another girl/1st time out of parents house person living here, and the more the merrier(unless they're jessica).

Heating and electric was only 25 for each this month so utilities aren't bad at all.

Anyway, I think since this full moon I've shifted into a better headspace. I was feeling a bit weird and confused before. But these last few days have been amazing and I've felt really laid back relaxed creative and optimistic now. Who knows how long that will last, I'll try and keep in good spirits. I wouldn't be surprissed if I stay pretty happy, there isn't much to stress over but money, and those problems aren't even real.

theecolourred @ 2007-10-18T18:57:00

2007-10-19T00:16:01Z

how long will I be party to this spectacle?
My skeleton remains here to put on a happy face and greet you
but my skin has crawled away, out through the cracks intent on wisping around with the rest of the foilage in the breeze, forcing its way through these streets, this concrete
harsh wind before the storm, I close my eyes and count seconds till I am out the door
I close my eyes and count years till I am off the path
If I lose sense of this, it is almost like I am not here
We only age because of the anticipation and carelessness
how quickly can we destroy ourselves? this earth still dredges on
pipes intertwinesd with waste and roots and fungus
scabs all over.
tiny tiny tiny little creatures crawling all over and under
busy little things, sick little things
helpless little corpses
why keep the trees around, wood is for building
if you're feeling suffocated, just go outside- a green patch of perfectly manicured grass(no weeds) is the perfect natural life simulation for your cigarette breaks
little flowers, all in a row
non-threatening
I can't help you if you can't afford to be helpedd
time is money.
so we're measuring time in dollars
I make about a hamburger an hour, maybe fries too depending on the fanciness of the place
I costs 42 hamburgers for somewhere warm to sleep, and somewhere to lay my hat
good thing my cats don't eat hamburgers
I bet they wish they did though, all the great things humans can do!

actually...

2007-10-12T03:08:06Z

I guess I know part of why I feel kind of off. I guess I miss having a best friend. I was never really a group kid, I always had the best friend I hung out with all the time and we were like peas and carrots (I don't like peas). Often I had a best schoolfriend(which was a feat when you switch schools every 1-2 years) and a best friend outside school. So I don't really have that now. I guess while I was a teen I kind of replaced that hole after shannon with boyfriends. But that really isn't the same, and shouldn't be. I think you should be really good friends with your lover but you need a best friend too, and I don't know I feel like I need mroe female friends. I've just always gotten along better with guys. But guys are only your friend when your single and they have a chance to get with you. Which is pretty lame:( And now that I am out of school, I guess the only way to make friends is through work. But um, no thanks. No one over 21 takes anyone under that age seriously enough for that anyway. Ho hum. Oh well, who knows what will happen. I guess I just feel kind of lonely- in the friendship way.

don't read if you don't want to hear about my uterus.

2007-10-12T02:56:35Z

Man, I've been so fucking tired and sick feeling this cycle. I know its been 7 years, but I'm not really used to it. Plus health class really doesn't give you much guidance. You learn whats going on inside, but I don't really care, what you need to know is how it will affect you and what to do to help it. But yeah I never had much guidance and when i got my period on my 13th birthday my mom laughed at me. And pretty much never said anything about how to use tampons, or what to expect, or anything regarding that stuff at all. I feel like crap though, I usually am not much affected. But I've been all pissy and moody and fatigued. And I'm all like, why do I feel like punching my boyfriend in the face for looking at me?

Plus idk, I guess I have to face the facts that this huge change will affect me and they'll be some adjusting. Its just pretty weird for me- I have all these feelings and no idea where they come from, I'm confused and restless. And idk why, ever really. All of a sudden I feel all fucking restless and crawling in my skin and I can't look back locically in my head and pinpoint a start, so I don't know what to do. You have to know whats wrong to fix something.

Plus my sinuses are stuffed up.

This job is fine, 3.5 hour shifts only-just a 5 or so minute bus ride or 20 minute bike ride away...and I'm a hostess so it really doesn't involve any stressful responsibilities. I just feel weird trying to socialize with people at a new job. I don't really understand how to have shallow relationships I guess. Whatever, I chit-chatted today- I made effort. I don't really fit in much there, everyones been working there a long time and they're all kind of plain looking wisconsin girls from like fondulac, who are living in milwaukee to pursue a degree in broadcast journalism or something. But they aren't snooty, vapid bitches or anything so thats cool. They've been really nice actually. And I guess next to me, most people look plain in comparison.